Dealing with difficult people can be a challenge in any setting. But in community associations – where you’re often dealing with volunteers and don’t have the leverage that managers have with employees – there is an entirely new level of difficulty. There’s also a new level of opportunity. The key is common interest.

Where we live means more to us than any other place. We can easily get defensive of our personal space and lose sight of community issues. To one degree or another, we all have this tendency, but in a community association we have to balance our individual and collective needs.

Some people seem oblivious to that balance, and some people seem downright determined to undermine it. It’s easy to imagine that the folks who obstruct or dismantle our meetings have malicious intent, or at least thoughtless disregard.

So why are some people so difficult? Because they didn’t learn the typical social inhibitors that make for balanced exchanges. Most of us know how to make nice, even when we don’t want to. Some people simply don’t know how. Here are some of the more difficult behaviors.

Terrorist behavior literally holds a group hostage. In extreme cases, this includes streams of abusive language, threats or emotional outbursts such as yelling, crying and banging on furniture. There is frequently a relentless nature to all of this, designed to show the group that nothing else is going to happen until the person is appeased.

Aggressive behavior is domineering, offensive, in-your-face and easily triggered. In fact, the threat of aggression hangs over the group and creates an underlying tension. This behavior is more controlled than the first category in that it is probably directed at individuals more than at the entire group.

Passive-aggressive behavior avoids full-blown confrontation but strikes out covertly. It is characterized by hidden agendas and character assassination that try to sabotage normal, above-board group process and interaction.

Unyielding behavior is unable or unwilling to set aside a past issue. The issue or emotion keeps coming up, even when the subject is different and the cast of characters has changed. While this behavior is less invasive and threatening than those above, its continued presence is an energy drain and source of frustration.

Persecuted behavior is the victim response – blaming, whining and complaining. Although most of us enjoy grousing about things from time to time, persecuted behavior stems from a non-stop, perennially put-upon attitude. And since the victim mentality predominates in such a person, it’s easy for them to add your group to the list of persecutors.

Polarity response means that, whatever the issue or opinion, the party takes the opposite view. Disagreement is automatic. This is more than just the devil’s advocate role that some people adopt in groups. Most polarity responders seem unaware of their behavior and its impact on others.

What can you do? As you read the descriptions above you were probably thinking of specific examples from your own experience. What can you do to stay focused and flexible in the face of such behaviors? Here are five suggestions.

1. Notice your response. Is the behavior one that really pushes your buttons? Your first step is to consider your own feelings about this unpleasant situation. Be responsible for your own reactions. After all, that’s one of the things you wish the difficult person would do.

2. Change what you’re doing. Since you can’t change someone else, change what you can control: your own reaction. The results can be surprising and rewarding. First, it shifts you from being at the mercy of the situation. As soon as you begin to consider new options, you step out of the problem frame and onto a larger canvas. This re-framing is an important shift in perspective.

3. Ask the person what they want. You may think you know, but you may be surprised. Of course, it’s hard to ask this after things have spiraled out of control. The sooner you can ask the better, because it’s the ideal starting point for building rapport and trust.

4. Focus on outcomes. Your group also needs to ask itself what it wants and stay focused on that. Spend some time generating a set of goals and objectives, as well as how to meet them. Decide what behaviors will help achieve these goals (such as patience, assuming positive intent and a willingness to listen). Generate your list of behaviors during open, public meetings held in a conspicuous place. This will be a great reminder for even the positive contributors in the group. Then, when negative behaviors erupt, you can point to the list, not at the person.

5. Consider alternatives. What will you do if the difficult behavior persists? One option could be to take a five-minute break. (This is like pushing a re-set button for the group.) During the break, clarify for the difficult person what the goals for the meeting are and which behaviors support those goals. Then state what the next step will be if the difficulties arise again. Be prepared to adjourn your meeting quickly if the behavior continues; for extreme behaviors, this may be the only useful choice. Consistently applied, it will send the message that certain behaviors aren’t acceptable.

Common interests are the basis for improving cooperation. The more clearly you identify how your interests overlap, the stronger you’ll be in your response to the whole range of difficult behaviors.

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Author : Ken Roffman
Company : Regenesis.net
Written by Ken Roffman and used with permission from Regenesis.net.

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